


Monologue

by Lys ap Adin (lysapadin)



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Fluff, Multi, Smut, first-person narration, possible fangirl japanese
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-01-19
Updated: 2000-01-18
Packaged: 2017-10-03 21:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lysapadin/pseuds/Lys%20ap%20Adin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't supposed to work out like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Painfully old fic, reposted for the sake of archiving it.

I never meant to fall in love with you.

Hmmph. Of course, I don't think anyone ever *means* to fall in love with anyone, not really. Certainly nobody plans on doing what I did, which is fall in love with my best friend.

Falling in love is a weakness, a vulnerability. It leaves you standing wide open, makes it possible for anyone to just come along and clobber you. Especially if love is one-sided, like it is for me. And the ways for people to hit you with a whammy are just about infinite.

Believe me, I think I've gone through most of them.

I never meant to let myself form emotional attachments again. I'd been down that road a few times before, and sure as hell didn't want to go back. Too bad for me, I guess. Before I ever realized what I was doing, I was counting you and the other guys as buddies. Friends.

I should have stopped it there. It would have been bad enough at that point to have lost any of you in a fight with OZ, and I'm enough of a fatalist to believe that having my friendship is a real deterrent to long and prosperous life.

I'm such a baka. I didn't stop at friendship. No, I had to go and notice you--your body, your voice, the way you fight, the way you think, your obsessions. The way you cry out at night when you dream your dark dreams. The way your memories haunt you sometimes on a mission. I noticed everything about you. I made studying you my hobby--provoking you so that I could learn about the way your mind works. I may know you better than anyone else alive--maybe even better than you know yourself.

Heh. Talk about obsession.

I dare *her* to explain the look that you're wearing right now satisfactorily. She couldn't, not with a lifetime of guessing. *I* can, though, but I can't even take comfort in that small superiority. How can I?

*She's* the one marrying you tomorrow, after all.

I wonder if you told her about me. Probably not, since she went ahead and invited me to the wedding and all. I have a feeling that if she *knew* I'd have been dead and buried six feet under long ago.

You won't tell her, either. You're a very private individual, after all. God knows how well I know that. It took me forever to pry you open just a little bit. I doubt she'll be able to do even that much.

Then again, if you love her enough to marry her, you might do it on your own. You're still enough of a conundrum even to me that I can't say for sure.

I wonder what she'd say if she learned that you and I were lovers there for a while during the war? The image of the tantrum she'd throw is enough to make me chuckle softly to myself. That would be a show worth watching--from a safe distance, of course. I've never made the mistake of underestimating her. She's a lot stronger and smarter than most people want to give her credit for being. I didn't dismiss her abilities, though--doesn't it make sense to know the competition?

I'm sure she'd be able to rationalize it fairly quickly. It was a highly stressful environment, we were two hormone-driven teenaged boys willing to experiment with each other, we needed an outlet. Easily explained, ne? Especially since I've heard you say as much--although in fewer words--once or twice.

Ch. It still hurts a lot. Probably always will.

I'm still not sure exactly when it all changed for me--when it became more than just the sex and the fascinating attempt to get inside your head. At least part of it was the things you'd let slip about those nightmares you have sometimes... the tidbits you'd tell me about your early life and your training.

It was more than that, though. You trust me. You let me see the real you, sometimes, and to the very best of my knowledge, I'm the only person who gets that. It's an honor that I cherish. The handful of times when you actually smiled at me--did you know that I almost cried the first time you did that? Me, the guy who never cries. Have you ever smiled for *her*? Really smiled, not a smirk?

I just hope that she understands how very lucky she is to be getting you.

Love crept up on me. One day you were just my partner and the guy I slept with sometimes, the next...

I remember the moment clearly. You were sitting there, working as usual, and I was sprawled on the bed, talking about a meaningless aspect of the nameless school we were staying at. Something I said caught your attention, and you glanced over your shoulder for a brief second. I guess I must have amused you somehow, because your eyes lit up--just for a moment--and you looked like an average teenager instead of a cold-hearted Gundam pilot. Then you looked away, and I blinked, and said to myself, "My God, I'm in love with him."

I'm such a baka sometimes.

I never meant to fall in love with you, but I did.

I tried to win your affections back, of course, once I figured out what had hit me. It obviously didn't work--why else would I be sitting here at your wedding rehearsal, wearing my normal grin and watching *her* snuggle. You aren't snuggling--you aren't the type, but she hasn't figured that out yet.

Nope, it didn't hit you like it hit me. For you, I was there as a friend and someone to fuck at night when the knowledge of what we had done during the day was too much to take alone.

Will she know how to help you when those nightmares grab you and turn you into a silent, shivering wreck? Will she ever be able to understand how the ghosts of the past cast shadows into everything that we do?

Forgive me if I have my doubts.

I was never really more than a friend, was I? I wish it were different... I wish I knew how *she* managed to get you. Was hounding you really the way to get through to your heart? Damn, I wish I had known that from the start. You wouldn't have ever had a moment's peace.

Well, the party's starting to break up. Tomorrow's the big day, ne? We've all got to get plenty of sleep--I have to turn away as she kisses your cheek. I may have self-control, but even I can't bear to watch that and resist the urge to grab you and declare "MINE!" to all and sundry.

*That* would go over well, wouldn't it? You'd probably deck me.

*She* leaves, going home to dream sweet dreams about tomorrow, the day when all of her endless work finally pays off. The others start drifting away as well. I ought to be going too...

You stop me, ask if I'll stick around for a little bit longer. I know the expression in your eyes--you're looking a little panicked, a little crowded. You're pleading with me to lend some support--no one else would see the desperation in your stance. No one but me.

I'm weak. I'm a stickler for pain. I grin and agree to stay with you.

You're quiet. That's nothing new, so I fill up the time with my own chatter. We leave the restaurant that *she* rented out for the evening and just walk along the street. I'm uncomfortable with this--it's too easy for me to pretend that you actually care about me...

It's either that, or being bitter that you're using me--again.

I can't help myself. I start teasing you about tomorrow. Are you looking forward to it? What are you going to do, once you're married to *her*? What will you do when the boredom gets to you? Will you name your first kid after me?

You tell me to shut up. You sound almost as if you're in pain.

I sober up a little bit, ask you if you're okay.

Of course, you just make a dismissive noise and say nothing more. Typical.

I'm also hopelessly desperate, so I go completely serious and ask you what's bothering you. A person shouldn't be so gloomy on the night before his wedding. I can't resist, and comment that a guy in love should be happy he's getting his girl. Maybe something has slipped into my voice that doesn't need to be there--you look at me oddly.

You do love her, man, don't you?

...Why are you looking at me like that?

Jesus, you're marrying her tomorrow--what am I saying, of course you love her.

Am *I* all right? Of course I am, why do you ask?

I'm not lying!

...

It's nothing, really. I'm fine, I tell you!

...

Damn it, lay off me! There isn't anything bothering me!

...

Okay, fine, you wanna know what it is? This is what it is--I'm getting all psyched up to watch the man I'm in love with get married tomorrow! Like I said, there's nothing at all wrong with me!

My voice is hysterical, slightly, even I can tell. You look stunned. Damn, I must have done better than I thought, covering up my tracks.

I shouldn't have said anything. Gomen... You didn't need to hear that, not the night before your wedding. Forget about it, okay?

You're looking at me funny... I shiver under the intensity of your eyes.

Ne, it's time for you to be heading home. Gotta rest up and everything. So do I. Us best men have to get plenty of sleep.

What do you mean, there's not going to be a wedding tomorrow? Of course there is, *she's* been planning it since the moment she met you. Don't be ridic--

What?

You didn't just say that.

You aren't really looking at me like that. Not me. You're supposed to be looking at her like that!

Say something? What am I supposed to say?!

Oh, God... the feeling of your mouth on mine, crushing my lips... the heat of your tongue... Helpless, I slide my arms around your body, clinging to you for dear life and praying that I never wake up.

You--love me?

Your breath tickles my ear as you repeat yourself, saying words that I only dreamed about hearing.

You love me.

You love me!

I wrap my arms around you, kissing you for all I'm worth. And then I say the one thing I never thought I'd get to say.

"Aishiteru, Heero."


	2. Aftermath

Something is going to happen today.

I wake up with this insistent thought running incessantly through my head; I don't know why.

Then I laugh at myself. Of course something is going to happen today. Heero is going to marry Relena this afternoon. Last night was the rehearsal dinner, and today is the main event.

My slightly self-deprecating smile fades a little. I still can't believe that Heero is marrying her, not after the relationship he and Duo used to share.

Perhaps that's the key. Used to share. Or maybe my perception of the two of them was completely wrong, and there wasn't anything there, ever. Heero is marrying Relena because Duo never meant anything to him.

*That* thought makes me frown. I know Heero's training was thorough, but even he can't be able to engage in a lengthy affair without some sort of reciprocal emotional attachment forming... can he?

Poor Duo. My heart goes out to him today, actually. Regardless of how Heero feels, I know that Duo loves him. For the most part, he keeps it carefully hidden, like he keeps so many other facets of his personality tucked away, but it's there. A river of emotion, running just beneath the surface and lending meaning to his every action.

He even agreed to stand up as Heero's best man today.

Silently, I wish him the best of luck, and then get out of bed. It's going to be a long day.

   


* * *

  
 

I arrive at the church a little early--it never hurts to be cautious--just in case there are any last minute hitches in the plans for the ceremony... and I want to practice a little.

Trowa is even earlier than I am; he greets me with an expression that I can't fathom.

I blink at him.

When I had expected last minute hitches, I hadn't been expecting this.

Standing there in the midst of absolute chaos--only a few people know what's happened, apparently--I have to laugh, despite my newfound sympathy for Relena. I haven't misjudged Heero after all.

Trowa elaborates on the situation a little bit. Relena showed up a little while ago, only to be greeted by a cheerful and entirely unrepentant little note from Duo.

Trowa is reciting it now, and I can't stop laughing. "Ne, ojousan, I'm stealing your boyfriend and running away with him, we'll name the first kid after you... If Heero lets me... Sorry for the inconvenience..."

Wufei arrives, looking disgruntled. He grumbles about cleaning up Maxwell's messes, but I think even he's secretly rejoicing for Duo's sake.

This does leave us with a quandary, doesn't it? The church is rapidly filing with guests expecting a wedding, the reception hall is decorated lavishly, and the refreshments await a horde of celebrants to relieve groaning tables of the burden of so much food.

It's such a shame to let all this go to waste.

A daring thought accosts me as Wufei continues to ponder what course to follow. I regard Trowa thoughtfully.

Damn, he looks good in that tuxedo.

Would he do it? Or would I be rushing things too much? It took me so long to gain his trust, and so much longer for him to let me become his lover... I want to further our relationship, he knows that much. I haven't made a secret of it, nor of how much I love him.

He looks at me, questioningly, and I make up my mind. With my best impression of Duo's I'm-joking-on-the-surface-but-am-dead-serious-underneath-it-all tone, I laughingly suggest to Trowa that he and I make use of the ready-made wedding.

Wufei snorts at me, tells me that I don't have to make up for Maxwell's absence. I grin and smile, veiling my anxiety as I wait for Trowa's reply.

He won't say yes, of course. This is much too sudden, too much of a shock. I'll probably have to spend a long time coaxing him into making a life-commitment like marriage, after all, but that's okay, I'm patient and he's very much worth it. I smile reassuringly at him, telling him silently that I don't mind if he backs down from this abrupt challenge of mine...

He's staring at me, inscrutable as always. I can (and do) spend hours studying him when he's like this, trying to unravel each riddle that he offers.

He opens his mouth to speak, and I brace myself, preparing for the inevitable refusal and already planning how best to succeed in capturing Trowa for my very--

He said yes.

Dimly, I can hear Wufei laughing at me. I must look as dumbfounded as I feel.

He's smiling at me now, barely perceptible, but smiling. He looks pleased; I can barely contain my shock.

Really? You'll really do this for me?

He nods slightly and I hurl myself at him, needing desperately to wrap myself around my lover...

My soon-to-be husband...

Wufei's moving away, muttering just loudly enough for me to hear about the injustice of leaving him to do all the work, but don't worry about it, he'll take care of commandeering Relena's wedding and somehow he'll find a pair of rings and there's just no justice in the world for him...

After that I ignore him, since I've got more important things to pay attention to.

Namely, Trowa and his soft, utterly kissable lips...

I smile.

I *knew* something was going to happen today.

I just didn't realize it was going to be this good.


	3. Reflections

It reminds me of my wedding day.

In a way.

Of course, I wasn't marrying another man... nor was I terribly impressed with my intended.

Still, it reminds me of that day, long ago.

Maxwell will be annoyed that he's missing all this, I'm sure. He'll get over it; there are enough media vultures here chronicling the odd ceremony. I'm sure he'll at least get to see a recording.

I'm surprised that so many people remained for the wedding. Maybe they're just too stunned to leave, much less protest.

After all, how often does the Queen of the World get jilted at the altar--because her fiancé eloped with the best man?

Future generations are going to laugh themselves to tears over this one.

*I'm* laughing at it now.

Quatre is almost glowing. Just looking at his face makes all the frantic work I put into pulling this mission off worthwhile.

Who'd have thought a dried up old priest could be so stubborn?

He's glaring at me between the sacred words he pronounces, obviously unhappy with the situation. I guess he doesn't appreciate my death grip on the arm I've twisted behind his back.

Yes, future generations will laugh. It may not be my most honorable hour--coercing a priest into marrying two men--but there are things more important than honor.

Two of them are standing in front of me, hands clasped together, faces shining with their mutual love.

Ah. It's time to exchange the wedding vows and the rings. This should require a fair amount of ad-libbing on the part of my withered companion. I glower around the expansive sanctuary, daring anyone to ruin this sacred moment with levity. I may not be Heero, but apparently I'm intimidating enough.

Quatre pronounces his love and devotion to Trowa now, looking angelic as he affirms his earnest intent to cherish the other throughout eternity. Then he places a ring on Trowa's finger.

No one bothered asking me where I found two matching wedding bands on such short notice. It's just as well. I don't want to have to explain it to them. Even after all the five of us have gone through, there are still certain things I don't wish to share with them.

Trowa's turn now. His voice is filled with emotion--at least, those of us who know him can recognize the emotion. I doubt anyone else could tell how deeply this is affecting him. He places the ring on Quatre's finger...

There. It's done. The priest is pronouncing them married and they kiss unashamedly. I release my cassock-clad friend and begin clapping.

Surprisingly enough, someone else takes up the applause.

Hmmph. Should have known Maxwell wouldn't miss a moment like this. I don't know how he and Heero did it, but they must have gotten here just in time... I nod at them over the heads of the crowd, glad that they made it.

Quatre and Trowa break apart, faces flushed slightly. Quatre is grinning like a fool, and Trowa... I feel almost like a trespasser when I look at him. Duo, as reverent as always, whistles loudly in the back of the church, and shouts something about it being about time Quatre made Trowa an honest man.

I laugh as Quatre and Trowa parade down the aisle together, determined to obey the formalities in this highly unorthodox proceeding. They look so happy together... very much in love. I'm glad of it.

A random thought accosts me as I make my way out of the sanctuary, heading for the reception.

Meiran would be pleased at how her and my wedding rings have been used today.


	4. Near Miss

I nearly made the biggest mistake of my life today.

The thought of it makes me shiver inside, and I readjust my grip on you just a little bit... You're mine now, and I'm never going to let you go again.

There's a knowing look in your eyes... Damn, how is it that you know exactly what it is that I'm thinking? I've worked for years to cultivate the mask that hides me from the world... How is it that you can read me like a book?

You shift closer to me, subtly letting me know you aren't going anywhere for a very long time.

Good.

It amazes me, as I watch you chatter animatedly, that a person with as much light in his soul could ever love me. *You* amaze me...

Heh. It's almost funny to think of all the time that I spent watching you when you were watching me in the same way, the two of us both convinced that the other would never love in return. It would be funny, if we hadn't come so close to missing each other completely.

God, you're beautiful. I'd never told you that before last night.

There are a lot of things I told you last night that I'd never told you before. I just wish I hadn't waited so long...

Shit. Here comes trouble. Just what the hell *was* in that note you sent her, anyway?

Never mind. I have a feeling that I'm going to be finding out, here in just a moment.

The crowd parts for her, and not just out of respect for her office, either. I don't believe I've ever seen her quite this angry. Honesty forces me to admit that she has every right to be angry. I *did* jilt her, after all, at the last possible minute. I doubt it helps that I chose you over her. She's never been very fond of you.

That was unexpected. As my face rocks back from the force of her slap, I have to wonder how a pacifist can be able to hit someone that hard.

Easy now. This is between her and me.

The crowd is nearly silent, watching the spectacle anxiously. You're tense, ready for anything. The others are making their way over, looking grim... Well, Quatre's *trying* to look grim, anyway. He's largely failing.

You flinch, and I can barely keep myself from reacting. Damn. How does she reach that pitch? And who taught her to swear?

I stare at her levelly as she insults my ancestry--very ineffective, in my case--and my personal hygiene--not that I've ever given her opportunity to examine it closely--and my honor--it's just too bad for her that I'm not Wufei.

Gomen, Relena.

Another slap. I guess that was the wrong thing to say.

How dare I leave her? There must be a million reasons that I could give her... I don't like her, I don't want to marry her, I only agreed to this farce because I had nothing else, you're the only one who understands what it means to wake up at night, paralyzed by the nightmares of the past, you're damn good in bed, you're handsome, you're loving, you're the only one who can make me smile... All this and more runs through my mind.

It's because I love *him*.

She's making a strangled sound now, opening and closing her mouth like she can't make her voice work. But she no longer has my attention.

You're staring at me like you can't believe that I'd ever declare such a thing to anyone but you. Maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do, ne? The expression on your face is so dumbfounded that I have to smile at it.

Did you really think I'd be ashamed to say such a thing, Duo?

And now I'm fielding an armful of you, as you try to wrap yourself around me. Not that I'm really complaining, mind you. The two of us have a lot of catching up to do.

With my arms wrapped around you, and my chin buried in your hair, I look at her with as much sympathy as I can muster.

Gomen, Relena, but you do understand, don't you? I wouldn't ever have been able to love you like you want me to. There's only one person that I'll ever love like that.

I have to restrain myself from laughing now. Yes, you are very much a boy, that's very obvious... If it doesn't bother us, why should it bother her so much?

Why? Why do I love him?

Because of everything he is. Because of everything he does. Because he's the one who forced me to question what I fought for and then helped me find a real reason when I realized that all I was fighting for was a sham. Because he wouldn't let me separate myself from the guilt. Because he wouldn't let me wallow in it, either. Because he showed me how to be human again. Because he is.

You make a small, choking noise, and burrow your face into my shoulder. And I stare searchingly into her eyes, trying to see if she can possibly understand what I'm trying to say.

Good. She does. She doesn't want to, but even she can't really deny what she's seeing.

Sayonara, Relena. Perhaps someday you will forgive me for having done this to you.

Come on. It's time for us to be going. I herd you gently through the crowd, since you seemed a bit too dazed to focus on much. Quatre has a huge, misty grin on his face. Hmmph. Hopeless romantic.

What? Of course I meant it, baka. Every last word of it.

I can't help smiling at you again. You're so funny when you're trying to pretend that you're not getting all emotional. Come on, let's get out of here... There's lots of lost time that I intend on making up for... and I mean more than just talking.

We head for the car, and I can't resist slinging an arm over your shoulders as we walk. You smile up at me and whisper the words that managed to take my world, turn it inside out, and put it back in better order last night.

I love you, too, Duo.


	5. Universe

I love the earnest expression on his face as he makes love to me.

The intensity in his eyes tells me that his universe is comprised of me, and only me, especially at this moment. That nothing else matters to him but the here and now, two sweat-slicked bodies entwined in the most intimate way possible.

I arch and gasp as he nibbles at my neck; I'm very sensitive there. He knows that very well and exploits the knowledge ruthlessly. I shudder as he runs his tongue over the pulse at the base of my throat.

He murmurs something about beauty, and even now, after all this time, it takes me a moment to accept the fact that he's referring to me. And even now, it evokes my wonder.

He calls me beautiful, and tells me he loves me. He calls me his angel.

Why me? Of all the people, women and men alike, why would he choose me? *He's* the angel, with the purity of his blue eyes and blond hair, not me. Not Nanashi.

I run my hands over his flawless skin, tracing patterns and eliciting a soft groan of approval. We're so different, he and I. I am ashamed of my scars, ashamed of what they mean, ashamed of the ugliness they present in comparison to his perfection.

I know he understands their significance. I spent enough time explaining it over and over to him as he pursued me. I lost track of the number of times I pushed him away, trying to persuade him that I wasn't worth his precious effort. And he kept coming back, utterly relentless.

He's relentless now, too, licking and pinching and nibbling at my nipples. I sigh deeply, enjoying the exquisite sensation.

Even after I surrendered to his advances and allowed him to have his way with me as I supposed was all he wanted, he didn't stop hounding me. I couldn't understand why; I couldn't understand him.

No one had ever wanted more from me than my body before.

His mouth is wandering down my chest now, his breath at once ticklish and erotic.

He watched me all the time, smiling in that way of his that makes a person feel like he's the only thing in the world that matters, those wonderful deep eyes of his inscrutable. He fussed over me, tending to my wounds and seeing to it that I ate and slept. I couldn't for the life of me understand why.

He slips a well-lubricated finger inside of me, in preparation for what is to come. A second finger, and then a third... I groan as he unerringly brushes the spot inside that sends my world spinning in an explosion of stars.

Finally, I demanded an explanation from him. What did he want from me? Why wouldn't he leave me alone? Hadn't I given him everything he wanted? His answer shook me to my core.

He smiled at me sweetly, and told me in no uncertain terms that he loved me.

As if anyone could love *me*!

The pain/pleasure of his penetration... I hiss slightly as he eases into me, and the pain fades away quickly under his skillful touch.

I denied his confession, knew it couldn't be true, and continued on as if he hadn't said a word to me about higher emotions.

I must have hurt him terribly in those days, but he never mentioned it. He just went on sharing my bed at night and sharing himself with me during the day.

I call his name now as he begins thrusting into me, our bodies rocking together, and I cry out fiercely as he hits the spot inside me again, and again.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that he isn't stubborn. After all, he finally got through to me. A lesser man would have given up, turned his attentions to someone more receptive and deserving. Not him. He kept hammering at my barriers, showing me with every word and action that he meant what he had said. And eventually... I started to believe him. And I dared to love him back.

He's pumping me now, and hitting that spot, and my world explodes in light and heat and all I hear is his voice crying out raggedly as he comes inside me. And we lie panting together afterwards.

I look at him, and give my silent thanks to whomever cares to receive them.

He is my universe.


	6. Passing Infatuation

I should have punched him.

That's what everyone keeps telling me. And, if I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that sometimes I wonder why I didn't. As humiliating episodes go, being jilted in favor of the best man, and then having your wedding hijacked for two other boys' sakes has to be right near the top of the list. I probably could have gotten extenuating circumstances from a judge if I had killed them...

At first I wondered what it was that I had done wrong with him. Had I smothered him with my attention? Had I not paid him enough attention? Wasn't I pretty enough? Was my way of life simply too alien for him to be able to survive in it? Where did it all go wrong? *Why* did it all go wrong?

I also blamed *him*. For a long time, I was absolutely certain that it was all that braided baka's fault. It was something *he* had done, or something he was holding over Heero's head, that caused it. My beautiful fallen prince would never have let himself become involved in such an unnatural relationship otherwise...

Unnatural. That's how I classified it. After all, everything I had ever heard about homosexuality referred to its wrongness. Two boys were not meant to have sex together. It just isn't done. Nor were they supposed to fall in love with each other.

I tried to deny the fact that they love each other for a very long time. I pretended I hadn't heard Heero correctly at the reception of the wedding that was not. I refused to accept it. I told myself that it was just a passing infatuation, that eventually he would come to his senses and come back to me.

Then something a good friend of mine said to be caught my attention. Why, he asked, should I even think of accepting the jerk again? Was there ever a time when he hadn't treated me badly?

Huh. I had never thought of it that way.

Thus began my bitter phase, when I entertained myself with dozens of scenarios in which he came crawling back, begging for forgiveness, and I laughed in his face. Or I tortured him for a while, and then graciously forgave him for his transgressions. And I also thought a lot about taking a pair of scissors to a certain long braid...

I kept tabs on them, of course. Old habits die hard, and I had a morbid curiosity about my ex-fiancé and his new lover. They moved from place to place, colony to colony, never settling in one place for long. It baffled me at first, until I realized that they were doing all the things that they'd never had a chance to do together during the war.

I'm still not sure when I finally started to accept it. Maybe it was when I bumped into Quatre and Trowa at a state function and saw how happy they were together, and I realized it was possible for two men to be that deeply in love. Maybe it was when Wufei took me aside one afternoon and told me to move on with my life, because Heero wasn't ever coming back. Maybe it was when I realized that I was beginning to fall in love with someone else.

I struggled at first. I tried to hold on to my old feelings, but it got harder and harder to remember exactly what shade of blue Heero's eyes were. Or what his voice really sounded like the first time I heard him speak. It didn't work. It was like holding a fistful of sand; the more tightly I clenched my fist around the precious memories, the more swiftly they slid between my fingers. But they were being replaced just as rapidly by new memories-laughing eyes, a friendly shoulder, the gentle warmth of a caring voice. One day I finally surrendered and admitted to myself that I was over Heero.

It was a relief, really, to release the burden of unanswered questions, guilt, anger, and bitterness after all that time. I stopped my surveillance of the two of them, and even learned to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. I was dumped for my fiancé's best man! How many women can claim such a great story?

I'm happy for them, truly I am. Heero and Duo belong together, more so than Heero and I ever would have. They complete each other, balance each other... If it hadn't been for my own willfulness, I would have known from the beginning that Heero never belonged to me. I don't regret having loved him, only having made him unhappy for as long as I did.

And tomorrow, I will be honored deeply to have Heero escort me down the aisle at my wedding.


End file.
